Kong Zi: Superhero or Kind of a Jerk?

Pre-Blog Heads-Up: For any Chinese readers of the blog out there; while some of what I have to say about Kong Zi may be a bit slanderous, I actually like guy's theories, anecdotes, and such - that was the reason for me coming to Qufu in the first place. There are certainly worse people to base your civilization around, hell even the Founding Fathers owned slaves. But all that being said, I don't think he is the greatest thing since fried rice either; in fact, he may have been kind of a jerk. Let's begin.



Superhero Kong Zi:
Every great person has an origin story. They all do something before they got big and famous that were omens of things to come. George Washington cut down a cherry tree and didn't lie about it to his parents. Abraham Lincoln lived in a log house, a down-to-earth country boy was he. Warren Buffet filed his taxes for his paper route at age 12 and listed his watch and bike as deductibles.

But Kong Zi's origin story is different. It's a superhero origin story. And it goes something like this:

Before he was conceived, his mother was visited by a Chinese unicorn called a kylin (or qi lin in Mandarin).

It carried a scroll that said she would give birth to a great man (or something like that). After 11 months of pregnancy - yes, you read that correctly - she gave birth to a child with auspicious (lucky) words written on his chest and they were visited by the ghosts of five sages (old wise people). Actually this sounds more like the immaculate conception than a superhero origin story, but you get the point.

He proved from a very young age that he was supremely gifted at... (drumroll please) being fair. I forget how he attained that title, because that's pretty boring. He ends up working directly with dukes and emperors, teaching them the ways of filial piety (respecting your parents, husbands, elder siblings, kings, and masters/bosses), culture and etiquette (mind your manners and practice your archery), and most importantly leading by example with virtue. All good things indeed.

He capitalized on his extreme fairness, by which I mean he got rich. Actually not just rich, but wealthy (NSFW, PG-13). Jay-Z brags in Kanye's track "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" that his money will last three lifetimes. Kong Zi's wealth and property stayed with his family for at least the next 77 generations of his descendants. Holy crap! That's a lot of dough for being fair. (I was going to put that in the Jerk section, but that's a Superheroic feat. And really there's nothing wrong with making money)

Kind of a Jerk:
Maybe he was a jerk, or maybe he just started getting old. He ended up creating so many rules that he could use them to manipulate others.

One time, two dukes were meeting, and Kong Zi set up a situation where one of the dukes couldn't win regardless of what he did. Perhaps this guy was a crook or something, but dukes don't get punished. So when he violated the customs, he put a bunch of his servants to death. This scenario was supposed to be an example of Kong Zi's cunning, but that's kinda jerkish to say the least. Like if the SEC gave a Fortune 500 company an impossible ultimatum that resulted in massive layoffs. Not cool Kong Zi.

He also copped out a bit at the end. When a rumor that a kylin was killed in his province, he interpreted it as a sign that the court's rampant corruption was out of control and that he wouldn't complete his duties. If you're going to retire, just hold a press conference like a respectable person and return home to your wife and concubines.

Over the course of his life, two major places were built for him. His school (孔庙 kong miao) and his mansion (孔府 kong fu). These complexes are superhuge, and just like any superhuge structure in China, it cost money, raw materials, and human lives. A man who preaches virtues and leading by example sacrificing the lives of peasants to build his house. I'm not going to lie, that's kind of jerkish.

Final Conclusion:
So was Kong Zi a Superhero or a Jerk? The real answer is a little from Column A, a little from Column B. I'm reading a fascinating book "The Dragon and the Foreign Devils: China and the World from 1100BC to Present" in which one of the recurring themes is Confucianism. Sometimes it leaves the country, but it always comes back around, and its back in the picture again today, some 2500 years after his death. That's superheroic for one man to be so influential for so long. But no matter how much we may idolize someone in retrospect, they probably had to be a jerk to someone, somewhere along the way to gain that kind of fame and fortune. You can decide for yourself.

My Journey:
I started off going to Kong Fu in the morning. This brings up a language beef I've got, where did we get the words "Kung Fu" from? Maybe it's Cantonese, because in Mandarin kung fu is pronounced "gong fu" (功夫). Now I absolutely correlate Kung Fu in my brain with badass Chinese martial arts, but maybe that would be different if I knew it as Gong Fu from the get go. Riff over.

Kong Fu got a pretty high tourist rating from China. What's better than AAAA+?

Also, Kong Fu was supposed to be the mansion of Kong Zi and his descendants, but there's no living area here. But there were a lot of Dragon Turtles:

This is a Dragon Turtle, aka Terrapin

This is his butt (snicker)

On the backs of these giant turtles, pavilions were built commemorating Confucius or one of his ancestors for doing something incredibly fair.

Afterwards, the tiny girl from yesterday (her name is 小业 Xiao Ye) found a Chinese tour group to tag along with for Kong Miao (the school). Here's the lovely mother/daughter combo who helped me along.

They didn't speak any English, thereby helping my Mandarin redevelopment. The mother is an art teacher at a university in Shandong somewhere. The daughter seemed to be on an endless quest to get lost from the group, so I played temporary guardian.

There wasn't a ton of impressive things to take photos of at the school, which was mostly bedrooms and servants quarters... yes, the mansion had no beds and the school was all beds and no classrooms. I don't get it. Afterwards, I stuck with the tour to go to Kong Lin (孔林) to see Kong Zi's mausoleum. Not only was there his grave, but those of a freaking bajillion ancestors (men, direct-lineage only of course). It was really impressive how much space and how many statues and stuff was here.

After this excursion, I headed back to the hostel, grabbed my stuff, and headed for the bus station to go to Qingdao. This is when Xiao Ye went into overdrive. Now, if she knew my historic travel track record of missing flights, using the wrong passport, going to the wrong place, etc. then it would have been understandable, but as is it was just kind of creepy.

She followed me to hostel, jumped into my cab, bought me my bus tickets (I paid though of course), forced her way past the ticket takers and onto the bus, where she tried to interview people on the bus to find me someone good to sit next to. When she did the final thing, I had to step in and say, "come on, I'll be fine" and she chilled out. If anyone is in the market for a nice, little country Chinese girl to micromanage your life let me know and I'll give her your phone number and QQ.

Props:
Besides Xiao Ye and the mother/daughter combo, I have to give a shoutout to the head chef/bartender/waitress at the Qufu International Youth Hostel. We talked a bunch my one night that I spent there and I apologized that I wouldn't get the opportunity to try her bao zi (fluffy dumplings with meat, eggs, or custard inside) because I was going before the kitchen was opening. I woke up the next morning at 7 to find bao zi for two waiting for me, free of charge. It was delicious and saved me the effort of going out into the unknown to find breakfast. She also gave me a sandwich for my busride to Qingdao... these girls are way to good to me; they can't help it and I can't say no.

Tomorrow:
My Qingdao experience!

Stephen "Scuba" Lauer